Absolutely Priceless
A must read, especially for those who have children that want (or will want) pets…
If you have raised
kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome,
including toilet flush burials for dead Goldfish, the story
below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son’s lizard
to the vet.
Here’s what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up
to tell me there was ’something wrong’ with one of
the two Lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
‘He’s just lying there looking
sick,’ he told me. ‘I’m Serious, Dad. Can you
help?’
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my
face and Followed him into his bedroom. One of the little
lizards Was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.
‘Honey,’ I called, ‘come look at
the lizard!’
‘Oh, my gosh!’ my wife exclaimed.
‘She’s having babies.’
‘What?’ my son demanded. ‘But
their names are Bert and Ernie Mom!’
I was equally outraged.
‘Hey, how can that be? I thought we said
we didn’t want them to reproduce,’ I said accusingly
to my wife.
‘Well, what do you want me to do, post a
sign in their cage?’ she inquired (I think she actually
said this sarcastically!)
‘No, but you were supposed to get two
boys!’ I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while
gritting my teeth).
‘Yeah, Bert and Ernie!’ my son
agreed..
‘Well, it’s just a little hard to
tell on some guys, you know,’ she informed me (Again
with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered
to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the
best of it.
‘Kids, this is going to be a wondrous
experience,’ I announced. ‘We’re about to
witness the miracle of birth..’
‘Oh, gross!’ they shrieked
‘Well, isn’t THAT just great? What
are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard
babies?’ my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much
struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear
briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
‘We don’t appear to be making much
progress,’ I noted.
‘It’s breech,’ my wife
whispered, horrified.
‘Do something, Dad!’ my son urged…
‘Okay, okay.’ Squeamishly, I reached
in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a
gentle tug… it disappeared. I tried several more times with
the same results.
‘Should I call 911?’ my eldest
daughter wanted to know.
‘Maybe they could talk us through the
trauma.’ (You see a pattern here with the females in my
house?)
‘Let’s get Ernie to the vet,’ I
said grimly.. We drove to the vet with my son holding the
cage in his lap.
‘Breathe, Ernie, breathe,’ he urged.
‘I don’t think lizards do
Lamaze,’ his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I
mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of
her womb, for God’s sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining
room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying
glass.
‘What do you think, Doc, a
C-section?’ I suggested scientifically.
‘Oh, very interesting,’ he murmured.
‘Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for
a moment?’
I gulped, nodding for my son to step
outside.
‘Is Ernie going to be okay?’ my wife
asked.
‘Oh, perfectly,’ the vet assured
us.. ‘This lizard is not in labor.. In fact, that
isn’t EVER going to happen. . . Ernie is a boy. You see,
Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
maturity, like most male species, they um . . Um .. . .
Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.’ He
blushed, glancing at my wife..
We were silent, absorbing this.
‘So, Ernie’s just . Just . … .
Excited,’ my wife offered.
‘Exactly!! The vet replied , relieved
that we understood.
More silence.. Then my vicious, cruel wife
started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
‘What’s so funny?’ I demanded,
knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would
commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness…
Tears were now running down her face.
‘It’s just .that . I’m picturing you pulling on
its . . . its. .. . teeny little . . ‘ She gasped for
more air to bellow in laughter once more.
‘That’s enough,’ I warned. We
thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son
back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be
okay..
‘I know Ernie’s really thankful for
what you did, Dad, he told me.
‘Oh, you have NO idea,’ my wife
agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a
lizard’s winkie: Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology
class.
Lizards lay eggs!
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